| Diagnostically Deficient | Toronto Star Wheels - 02/25/06 | |
“Umm, my car is making a funny noise.”
Realizing that’s not quite the elucidative report that’s required, you try again.
“It’s making kind of a springy noise. There’s a squeak coming from the area of the wheel well, like maybe a loose spring, or a shock, or something,” you say, thereby exhausting the extent of your automotive-related vocabulary.
Thankfully you retain some dignity and stop short of actually imitating the sound itself, somehow knowing that the diagnosis will not be aided one bit by you blurting out, “It’s a ‘Spurrr-oinnnggg’. No wait, that’s not right, it’s more like a “Kerrr-boing-scrrrrape.’”
One can’t help wondering if car care technicians practise keeping a straight face, ‘cause you just know that inwardly they’re rolling their eyes and thinking “What an idiot.”
“Okay ma’am, when you say ‘Something’s not quite right with your backend’, by that I take it you mean that this ‘elongated clunkity-clunk’ or the ‘significant thump-thud’ -as you describe it, is coming from the rear of your vehicle?”
In Advanced Auto Mechanics class is there a special tutorial on Customer Interpretation?
“Now class, your average customer’s going to describe this as a bad screeching sound. As if there’s ever a good screeching sound eh? Anyway, the more theatrical ones might even say it sounds like a sick cat, but in all likelihood it’s the fan belt. And if that’s the case, you probably already heard them coming from a mile away, right?”
“Go ahead, chuckle all you want now, but when that client is standing in front of you there will be no such frivolity, not even a smirk, understood?”
Even knowing that all your mechanic need do to hear the offending noise firsthand is simply start up the car, or take it for a short spin around the block, doesn’t eliminate the need for some kind of perfunctory report when you hand over the keys.
“It’s making a clunking sound, -no, a crunching sound. Yeah that’s it, kind of like when your kid eats cereal with his mouth open. What? Oh, I see, well mine does, not often mind you but every once in a while, and that’s exactly what it sounds like. Definitely crunching, not clunking. So what do you think that could be?”
Expensive.
Crunching, scraping, knocking, whatever the problem, it’s bound to be expensive. Which begs the question: do mechanics also get special training in how to break bad news?
“Well ma’am the good news is we figured out what that ‘gawd-awful noise’, as you called it, was. The bad news is it’s your ball joints, the left side specifically, which sorry to say will run you a few bucks to fix. Now you do realize there’s a set on either side of the car, right? So, do you want us to fix the other side as well today or just wait until they go? Oh and by the way, you’re way overdue for an oil change. Here’s your written estimate.”
“No ma’am, not a problem, you go right ahead and take as long as you need. Yes, I’ve found that breathing into a paper bag is really quite effective. Yes, I’m positive you’re just hyperventilating; I’d recognize that gaspy, wheezing sound anywhere.”