| Peein' By the Side of the Road | Toronto Star Wheels - 09/13/03 | |
I don’t know what it is this summer, but there seems to be an inordinate amount of peeing going on. Everywhere I’ve driven, from Niagara to the North, guys have been out there, in plain view, engaging in a little alfresco toilette. Frankly it’s getting to be a bit much.
There’s even a television commercial currently running that shows a little boy in obvious need of bathroom facilities bailing out of the backseat of a minivan. When modesty prohibits the lad from completing the task in full view of passing traffic, Dad backs up the trusty family van and shields bashful boy from prying eyes. Mission accomplished.
Well, judging by the number of men assuming the position on the shoulder of the highway this summer, most of you have no such compunction. Far from shy, many guys brazenly stand out in the open for all to see even, as was the case with one obtrusive oaf, when there’s a forest refuge within, um, let’s call it “spitting distance”. At the very least could you not find a rock, a bush, a tree? Step into the woods, behind a billboard, anywhere, just step out of sight.
I can understand the occasional emergency roadside pit stop if one has young passengers onboard, although the two boys happily crossing swords in full view of the rest of us motoring down Highway 11 were definitely old enough to have held on for a few more miles.
However there is no excuse for such behaviour from grown men. Show a little restraint, a little bladder control, or at the very least stop supersizing your cola order. Take note of those helpful highway signs that inform motorists of approaching rest stops, or warn of the lack of such facilities for the next 45 kilometers, and plan accordingly.
And to those Johnny On The Spots who carp, “ You don’t have to look you know”, believe me, it’s sure not something we want to see. Obviously we’d prefer not to witness your bathroom business, but during a long drive, when the same endless roadscape is interrupted by a car at the side of the road, you just naturally glimpse over wondering what’s up. Did someone break down, do they need assistance, and was there an accident, have they spotted a moose? Nope, it’s just another cheeky guy who’s claimed the world as his personal latrine. Of course you quickly avert your eyes but unfortunately by then it’s too late, you already have an all too clear picture of what’s going on.
Incidentally, is this strictly a seasonal disorder? Does the advent of warm weather somehow trigger a dormant urge in men, causing them to flock to the roadside unzipped? Must be, for when the temperatures dip and it’s cold enough to, as the saying goes, freeze brass monkeys, this objectionable behaviour sure tampers off dramatically.
And for the record, every participant I had the misfortune of driving past this summer was male. I saw no ladies out there. And yes, we can too do that, we just don’t. Or hey maybe we do, but you’re not privy to our use of the great outdoors because, out of modesty, manners, and well… perhaps physical necessity, we have the good graces to squat out of sight.
Technically gentlemen, if you’re in plain view, it’s an arrestable offence. So why don’t we just agree to designate all public roadways as G-rated areas; family zones where such overt bathroom antics are not acceptable, or at the very least, a place where one should be a bit discreet.